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04 October 2016 @ 02:31 pm
change is gonna come  
Things have been weird around here lately.  Insurance stopped covering the medicine I've been taking for, four (?) years now, so I had to switch.  And the new shit?  not so much with the helping the pain, but HELLA LARGE with making me tired as all hell.  Seriously, just so much sleep.  Both because I'm being made tired and because laying down and hopefully sleeping is really the only recourse I have left when the migraine of the day picks up.

The sort of vicious cycle that is being perpetrated there is sort of not helping in the least when it comes to both my depression and my anxiety.  I'm living in a near constant state of 'am I gonna get an aura now?  now?  and then start throwing up?  Or now?', which: newsflash, is not a great way to live.  Being so done with migraines in general, this particular course of treatment, and, to top it all off, my current living situation...when I'm not freaking the hell out about my head, I'm left in a kind of limbo where I'm just sort of ...despairing sounds ridiculously melodramatic, but, well.  Apparently sometimes I *am* ridiculously melodramatic, because sometimes I feel despair.

On the up side, my overall situation has been worse before, has been much more stressful (which leads to...that's right, worse migraines!), so I'm trying to appreciate the low-key aspects of my life that I can while I'm living them.

It is, for example, allowing me a lot of time to write.  Which is awesome, and exciting.  I actually posted something on AO3 a few days ago (Killjoys, Fly Away).  I...have some problems with it, but I like it fairly well overall, and I knew if I didn't post it I'd drive myself crazy staring at it and then never put it up.  So I went ahead and posted it.  Yea, me!

I have...thoughts, I suppose is the best way to sum it up, on an original work I'm working on, and that's fun.  I decided to do NaNo for the first time this year, so I'm excited about that.  I haven't decided if I"m going to do the original thing, or if I'm going to work on one of two--no, three--fanfics that I've sort of had on the back burner of my mind for a while, have written bits and snippets of periodically, but never got serious about pushing through and, you know, finding a plot.

So it'll either be shifters and dragons or: Veronica Mars in Atlantis, Bobbi and Skye join the Avengers (the Skye/Bobbi/Nat/Clint Thing), or the thing I've been thinking about since be-compromised's...secret santa? hmmm.  [Of '13 (I'm fairly sure), btw.]

my lovely recipient-to-be person mentioned she really loved soul mate fic, and I'd never read any before, and I was like...with Nat and Clint, there would have to be a definitive way to know, or she'd brush it off...OH!  You know what she'd LOATHE?  Irrefutable proof out where everyone and their brother can see: on her skin.  If you got tattoos when you fell in love with your soul mate, and these lines start creeping all over Clint's skin, and her own body--which always seemed like it belonged to someone else, anyway, until she met him--so not only does she have to figure out how to be in love with the guy, but she has to deal with everybody knowing it as surely as she does, and with people staring and trying to decode all the symbols and sigils and runes and nonsense that's becoming more and more visible every day, and also with the people who have been through it before, and the people who envy her and him...It just seemed perfect, and I've got some stuff written that I really do like, but about three months after I *didn't* finish my fic, amusewithavue broke AO3 with her kickass version of much the same thing.  (I think, okay?  I was hella crushed when I saw it pop up, so I haven't read it yet.)  I have, though, read many of the subsequent Soulmate's First Words stories since then.  I like em.  entertaining.  I can't believe I didn't just finish my fic and post it when it was due.

...circle back to the migraines, because while you can think a story in circles with a migraine, the actual writing becomes problematic when your hand is numb and you can't hold a pen or type, you can't see the page because auras? pretty in an abstract way, a pain in the ass in a practical way, or if looking at the screen makes you hurl because it's bright and digital and requires you to move your eyes, or if changing the position of your head sets off all new and exciting waves of pain, and you can't think through the hopeless tears, *anyway*.  It really puts a crimp in my writing schedule.

HOWEVER, speaking of scheduling, I'm seriously going to work on that.  As in, doing it.  The problem with having a schedule as flexible as mine is that you think to yourself, 'oh, I've got lots of time, I'll do it!'.  When you have nothing scheduled, you don't bother scheduling things.  Including time to write.  And obviously, I do write.  Nearly every day.  But it's usually just what strikes my fancy at that particular moment, or I'll be looking for something, end up reading something else that I've written, and then feel compelled to continue that, ignoring whatever I'd been looking for originally.  Not necessarily bad, considering I don't actually have deadlines or people relying on me finishing things, but it doesn't set a great precedents for starting something, working through it, and writing until you reach the end.  And that's sort of something I need to start doing: finishing the fics I start.

In the Moving In The Right Direction column, the other day I actually...hmm, it's not quite an outline, but not anywhere near as detailed as a beat sheet, but maybe somewhere between the two.  I worked on one for Mars in Atlantis, and for Bobbi/Skye/Nat/Clint...I think one of the file names is SBCN, which makes me smile because: SeBaCeaN, and Farscape will always make me smile.  And cry.  But GENERALLY, when I think sebacean, I think Aeryn, and, well, that's always awesome.

Where was I?  Right, the outlines.  It turns out I sort of like having them because it lets me think of the story as a whole from the beginning, instead of a series of events I write linearly and then edit.  I know to some extent what scenes I need to have, or what kind of scenes I need, and then I can work on what I'm in a productive mood to work on.  And that's kind of fun.

In the future:  less woe is me, more Killjoys, more Wynonna Earp, A-Force, Captain Marvel, Black Widow, Mockingbird, Chicagoland Vampires, and whatever YA sci-fi/fantasy thing I'm reading and all wrapped up in (atm: Under The Never Sky by Veronica Rossi,--or, well, Through The Ever Night, now-- Firespell by Chloe Neill, Frozen by Robin Wasserman, and Fire by Kristen Cashore.  Huh.  That's a lot of F's.) .  Possibly movies as well.  Tomorrow I'm going to see Star Trek: Beyond, and it's becoming increasingly clear I was much more ill when I watched Captain America: Civil War in the theater than I originally thought, or so says the half of my brain that goes "???" when reading fic.  I don't think it's all down to what each writer infers happened or why they think things happened.  And I find that hella distressing.  Because it doesn't seem like things go well, and I don't want Nat hurt, or Clint.  Or Wanda.  Or Hope.  (she was clearly chillin' on the Barton Farm during this one, like Clint was during Winter Solider.  Perhaps Carol was out there, too.  Maybe she'd just gotten the no fly warning, and had slumped off to the wilds of Iowa, dragging Jess with her because no way in hell was she going to spent who the hell knew how long on a farm with Clint's wife and *three kids*--she left her family's farm, thanks, and hadn't been back since, heading to someone else's didn't really hold any more appeal.  In fact, the only thing that did hold appeal was trying again to figure out how Laura Barton was a real live person who can put up with Clint and pro-create with him.  Also, she wants to grill Hope about what it's like to fly as a tiny tiny person.  However, the outlook on likelihood of her being provided with the opportunity to punch something: dim, at best.)

Also, I have decided I'm going to knit a blanket, I want to start making hand-stamped jewelry, and I'm going to learn to do the same with leather.  Tales of my exploits, I'm sure, will be forthcoming.  As will the final decision on what to be for halloween.  exciting!  waffling between: Merit, Bobbi, Natasha, Sarah Manning, Hawkeye, and Jayne...possibly Wanda.  Sif would be pretty badass, too., as would May

Well...that got a little away from me.